love and other things

As I’m typing this, I’m listening to this playlist and am putting off reading up my articles I downloaded as part of my research for work this afternoon.

Over the weekend my boyfriend was upset at me, a fact I was unaware of. I knew his replies to my texts sounded a little curt, more pointblank than usual but I didn’t give it too much thought as I attributed it to him being occupied.

It takes a loved one being upset at you for you to know yourself better, really. And as mentioned by a dear friend, you always hurt the ones you love most.

Friday for me was not really a good day (see previous post) and my emotions were constantly oscillating between being extremely overjoyed (I had a great lunch and enjoyed my work) and immensely hurt that I can’t help my mum out. Towards the end of my work day I felt utterly awful and cried on my commute back from work (yes I am that freak in the corner sniffling away). I just felt so, so sad and so tired. I felt like giving up.

I texted my boyfriend all of that, but him, being busy with Friday night plans, did not say much apart from consoling me up to the point I lied and said I’d be fine. Which, is when it all started becoming worse.

Whenever I am upset about my mum or life in general, I turn to my friends for help with emotional release. I text and cry and talk to them about it and they comfort me. Being in a relationship is different and odd for me because while my boyfriend happens to be the primary person I want comfort from, I don’t feel right seeking him out for it.

Not because he doesn’t understand the situation, but because I feel like I am imposing.

It’s weird how afraid I feel about sharing with him because I’m scared of it being too much for him to handle.

He has never said anything to that extent, never said that I can’t rely on him for catharsis. In fact that very day he reminded me that he would ‘always be here’. We were supposed to go for a run on Saturday morning but I told him I’m not up for it and even after that he tried to persuade me to have breakfast with him (because good food and good company = good mood) and again I said no.

I did that, and then later that night texted him saying I wished I could tell him things but I couldn’t because he wouldn’t understand. And the next morning I’d actually said that I wished he would be here for me when I needed him most but that I understood because he was busy. He called me immediately after that and asked me what was wrong and I, I said nothing, rambled some excuse and then hung up on him.

Just how much of a bitch am I?

I do this thing where I want to tell him things, want to lean on him, but I don’t because I am terrified that the things I say would make him turn me away. So what I do is I keep it in, I cry about it alone and repress the want to have his comfort. And at the same time I end up turning it on him, treating the situation as if it is his unavailability that made me shut him out.

“I felt like an emotional punching bag”, were his words to me of why he was upset the whole weekend.

We only got to talk about it on Tuesday because I was out on Sunday and then fell sick and was worse on Monday and he, being so thoughtful, chose to wait for me to be in a less volatile state of mind before bringing it up. In fact I was the one who asked him on Tuesday morning whether he was upset at me and he admitted that he was but he was all right then.

Of course it’s not as simple as it being dismissed as oh you were upset but you aren’t anymore okay cool.

I wasn’t surprised really because I felt the coldness from some of his texts after all. But mind that he still encouraged me to have fun on Sunday and was so concerned for me on Monday.

[Sidebar: The environment you grow up in definitely shapes your world view and well, my parents aren’t exactly people who would be concerned when they are upset with you. Really my mother can be rather petty, she once left me to figure my own transportation back because she was upset and didn’t care that I had no dinner etc. My dad too withheld my allowance for 2 weeks because he was pissed and was giving me the cold shoulder. I have petty parents I know, so it surprised me that he could still be caring and attentive even when he was upset with me and withholding his anger (he wanted to call me and demand to know what my problem was haha).]

He was only going to bring it up that evening because again, he was concerned about my health and wasn’t sure if I could talk with him without us fighting. Which to this date we’ve not actually fought? I’m not sure what really classifies as fighting but we’ve definitely had our misunderstandings but usually we just talk it out and explain over text/Skype and it usually gets resolved immediately.


I wrote this on the 21st of July up until the cut but it was already 12am and I was exhausted and went to bed and it’s been 9 days since and I have forgotten most of why I chose to write. So I’m just going to improvise.

But I believe, like all things I choose to document, this would serve as a reminder to me.

I’ve always known that actions have consequences. Especially our own. What we say and do can and will affect others. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Being in a relationship, has taught me so much about myself, taught me so much about trust and respect and control.

My boyfriend is this amazing person who respects my person, dotes on me, and is often worried about my wellbeing.

I sometimes truly feel like I do not deserve him. Someone so kind and has such heart. I can honestly wax poetic about his person. I’m not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I have my moods when I am completely lost and I will push people away. I will argue, will debate, will nitpick over the words and what was an easygoing banter can turn sour fast.

I have never imagined that I would be so lucky, so blessed by God, to get to be with someone like him.

There were many times in the beginning when I wanted to chicken out and drop everything because it was easier to be alone than to open up and be honest about how he made me feel. But I decided to stick it through (or my friends and sister made me not decide rashly) and I am thankful I did not run.

I want to better myself for him really. There are still callous things that I say, things I say without really giving much thought to but ones that hurt him. Being with him, it teaches me how to fit in my skin more comfortably, how to express myself better, that it’s all right to need a person some times.

My mum always hurts me and in turn I feel so miserable that I don’t pay attention to when I am too brusque with another, especially someone I love so dearly.

Actions have consequences, and I need to keep a tight grip on that.

I still feel the guilt from treating him that way and so I shall remember this, I shall remember how I felt, hearing him gently tell me how despondent he was. I shall remember that even while it was his hurt he was talking about, he was the one comforting me, holding my hand as he spoke and I averted my eyes from his gaze.

It made me rethink so much about myself, this experience. Even now, typing about it 9 days later, my eyes are welling up with tears from the guilt and the shame.

And so I will remember.

I will say this though, I am really happy that we are in it together, learning step by step how to love and how to understand each other. I am extremely happy that we solve our problems rationally, talk it out, no matter how difficult it gets.

I am so grateful that I have him in my life, someone who encourages me so, supports me, who tries so hard to understand me and make me happy. I am so ridiculously in love haha.

 

oh mother please.

As I grow older, I am finding it simultaneously easier and yet more difficult to understand my mother.

The worst part of the entire ordeal is just how helpless I feel. How frustrated. The problems remain unresolved and as much as I want to help her, she doesn’t want my help.

And that is a bitter pill to swallow.

It breaks my heart every time I think about it, and brings tears to my eyes automatically. I am trying so hard to be strong and to push the feelings and thoughts away but there are times when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world and the obligations I have.

But for now, as I sit at my desk in the office typing this, I have to take a deep breath, dab at my eyes subtly and smile and not look like I am falling apart.

a little reminder to myself

Exams have been going on for about three weeks now, and I’m due to finish my third next Tuesday. Final year prep has been hellish, to say the least. And if there’s anything to be taken away from sitting for exams by the University of London, is that even when you prepare the best you can, you still need luck and God’s guidance for you to be able to answer the right questions in the exams.

Kinda tanked my first two papers pretty badly. So I’m pretty disappointed about them but everyone’s just been telling me to let it go since there’s nothing that can be done but to focus on my final two papers. They are right, but allow me some grieving I guess. I’m praying hard that God will save my grades and yes He can work miracles but it’s not Him I’m doubting, it’s me. I don’t actually know whether He can salvage whatever I’ve written and it’s pretty discouraging to know I won’t be able to get the grades that I aimed for.

But part of me is exhausted from stressing out over this and I am so ready to be done with exams. My papers are pretty spaced out so I’ve had at least 6 days to study for each of my papers, but this just means that I’ve been studying daily between 12-15 hours for about 16 days now (minus a few days of this month because of period cramps and burning out from pressuring myself so hard haha). Definitely not a big deal to most students but this is a new record for me, the queen of procrastinating hahahaha.

But apart from exams, hey it’s been nearly 3 months since the boyfriend and I made it official! We’ve been seeing each other for like 8 months but it’s technically 2 months and 16 days since we labelled it hahahaha. Honestly it’s ridiculous to even say.

One thing’s for sure, the learning process never stops and it’s not easy to have two different people with different upbringings make a relationship work. Misunderstandings happen, people get ticked off by habits.

It’s interesting though. One thing that I need to keep reminding myself is that people love very differently. On some occasion I suppose you’d be lucky enough to be with someone who loves the same way you do and you both are on the same page about how it works. But that’s not always the case. Often we expect to receive the same love that we give. I’ve made the mistake of assuming that and made myself upset over it (not to mention argued with him about), before realising that really we’re two different people speaking different languages of care. Compromise has to happen for us to reach a middle ground where we both understand each other clearly.

People love differently, and it’s up to us to accept the love that they give, to understand it in their ways, rather than expect them to love us the way we love. 

One thing that I’m really grateful for is how he tries to understand my position and why I’m upset at him. It can get difficult at times, because I’m a person who would drop everything to reply anyone I care about (I constantly do this even when I’m in the shower, which is bad because I’m wasting water ouch) while he’s one who forgets to text me. It hasn’t been easy to remember that he isn’t ignoring me on purpose or that he cares any less – honestly so much of this stems from the fact that I have a fear of being abandoned because it’s happened too many times, also because of family issues and low self-esteem. I’m getting there though, understanding myself more and managing how I feel so that we don’t fight and he’s trying his best for me and I am grateful ❤

It does suck though, that we haven’t had much time to spend with one another because I’m so busy with exams and I miss his presence. Thank God for Skype and strong Wi-Fi so we can still spend time together virtually though haha.

But hey, just two more weeks before I am done with my degree! God willing that I pass all my papers with Bs and B+s and As that is hahaha.

I am so, so excited to be done with studying. (For now at least) (My journey doesn’t end until after my qualification paper that starts in September lol)

Thanks for reading, ciao for now!

 

thank you

‘Thank you :),’ I send.

‘What for?’ You ask.

‘Just because. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’

Maybe someday, you will understand that ‘thank you’ means so much more than a simple expression of gratitude. I’ve always been a person who uses her words carefully, each weighted, each deeper than its surface value. I’ve always liked to connect the nouns and verbs and adjectives and everything else in a manner seemingly dull and yet beneath the tranquillity lurks something far more eloquent and significant.

I wouldn’t call myself a word smith for I am far below that level of talent, rather I merely tinker with them. I twirl and laugh and utilise the vast English language to express myself in hidden manners, telling and hiding all at once.

So maybe someday you will know this, that even through written words, every one has larger purpose than just a sentence connector and is far deadlier than you imagine. That my happiness can bubble through the screen if you know me well enough.

Maybe someday you will realise that ‘thank you’ doesn’t just mean ‘thank you’. It also means ‘You are so wonderful’, ‘You lift my heart up’, and ‘I love you’. It’s a phrase with so much expression and yet is rarely expressed sufficiently.

So I hope that you will want to learn me well enough that you hear the underlying meaning when I speak with you.

And I hope I will be patient and show you and you will learn to unravel me.

odi et amo

I wish I could write to you about just how I feel about you. How the little things that you do make me smile. How you frustrate me when you leave me hanging on the details of our next date and yet how your reason why fills my heart with so much warmth.

I wish I could tell you that I dream of your hand holding mine, cheeks pressed together, and how safe I feel in your arms. I wish I can tell you that I want to fall asleep holding your hand and waking up to a sleepy you. I wish I can show you how happy I feel at the end of most dates; how the euphoria carries me through the night and the next few days are especially brighter.

I tell you thank you, when really, I wish I could say, ‘thank you for still being around, no matter how insane I am, no matter how much I ramble, no matter how much I tease you’. You take it all in stride and you tell me to talk all I want, and you tease me right back.

I wish you knew just how unravelled you make me. How words fail and I stammer out some semblance of a sentence. And you just pass it off as another one of my idiosyncrasies. I hold my phone because it grounds me into reality, because even after four months, I still feel lost in my skin around you and need to prevent major self embarrassment from happening. It’s a potential every time and I’m not even sure I succeed.

There are days like today when I realise just how sweet and thoughtful and considerate you can be. But then there are days when you drive me absolutely insane (with your non replies, your distances that hurt every time, your self depreciation) and I think, ‘Maybe I should end things.’ But then someone will tell me not to make rash decisions and I will fume in the moment and choose not to text you. And then you make me remember again why I started liking you in the first place, because truth be told, it’s very easy to forget why. Liking someone is never easy after all.

I think falling in love would be like what falling in molasses feels like. It’s thick, heady, slow, and sweet. There would be moments when you feel stuck and lost and you struggle to escape what feels like the path to doom. But then light filters through and you see the golden hue and it becomes easier to breathe. It feels warm and worth it.

There are days when I really miss having lengthy, meaningful conversations with you. So much, that my chest hurts a little bit and I long to ask for a piece of you in exchange for mine. So much and so little can be said through technology. Sometimes it feels like elevator music in between us. I hate those moments. I don’t know what you think when that happens, and I wish I could know. But I let the silence sit between us. Sometimes the silence is pleasant, sometimes it’s awkward and has to ease into being comfortable.

I make it sound terrible, when really it isn’t all too bad. Small conversation can be small conversation, and silence just silence.

But I wish I could tell you how hard and easy it is to mirror your smiles when you look at me.

But I can’t because all that feels like too much.

So I’ll settle for scoffing and calling you an idiot. I’ll roll my eyes and smirk at you. I’ll point out things about you that I’ve noticed, because I really do like looking at you and discovering just how you tic. I’ll continue calling you ridiculous and struggle not to smack you when you say the stupidest and lamest things. And I’ll pray that this won’t be too hard on me.