As I’m typing this, I’m listening to this playlist and am putting off reading up my articles I downloaded as part of my research for work this afternoon.
Over the weekend my boyfriend was upset at me, a fact I was unaware of. I knew his replies to my texts sounded a little curt, more pointblank than usual but I didn’t give it too much thought as I attributed it to him being occupied.
It takes a loved one being upset at you for you to know yourself better, really. And as mentioned by a dear friend, you always hurt the ones you love most.
Friday for me was not really a good day (see previous post) and my emotions were constantly oscillating between being extremely overjoyed (I had a great lunch and enjoyed my work) and immensely hurt that I can’t help my mum out. Towards the end of my work day I felt utterly awful and cried on my commute back from work (yes I am that freak in the corner sniffling away). I just felt so, so sad and so tired. I felt like giving up.
I texted my boyfriend all of that, but him, being busy with Friday night plans, did not say much apart from consoling me up to the point I lied and said I’d be fine. Which, is when it all started becoming worse.
Whenever I am upset about my mum or life in general, I turn to my friends for help with emotional release. I text and cry and talk to them about it and they comfort me. Being in a relationship is different and odd for me because while my boyfriend happens to be the primary person I want comfort from, I don’t feel right seeking him out for it.
Not because he doesn’t understand the situation, but because I feel like I am imposing.
It’s weird how afraid I feel about sharing with him because I’m scared of it being too much for him to handle.
He has never said anything to that extent, never said that I can’t rely on him for catharsis. In fact that very day he reminded me that he would ‘always be here’. We were supposed to go for a run on Saturday morning but I told him I’m not up for it and even after that he tried to persuade me to have breakfast with him (because good food and good company = good mood) and again I said no.
I did that, and then later that night texted him saying I wished I could tell him things but I couldn’t because he wouldn’t understand. And the next morning I’d actually said that I wished he would be here for me when I needed him most but that I understood because he was busy. He called me immediately after that and asked me what was wrong and I, I said nothing, rambled some excuse and then hung up on him.
Just how much of a bitch am I?
I do this thing where I want to tell him things, want to lean on him, but I don’t because I am terrified that the things I say would make him turn me away. So what I do is I keep it in, I cry about it alone and repress the want to have his comfort. And at the same time I end up turning it on him, treating the situation as if it is his unavailability that made me shut him out.
“I felt like an emotional punching bag”, were his words to me of why he was upset the whole weekend.
We only got to talk about it on Tuesday because I was out on Sunday and then fell sick and was worse on Monday and he, being so thoughtful, chose to wait for me to be in a less volatile state of mind before bringing it up. In fact I was the one who asked him on Tuesday morning whether he was upset at me and he admitted that he was but he was all right then.
Of course it’s not as simple as it being dismissed as oh you were upset but you aren’t anymore okay cool.
I wasn’t surprised really because I felt the coldness from some of his texts after all. But mind that he still encouraged me to have fun on Sunday and was so concerned for me on Monday.
[Sidebar: The environment you grow up in definitely shapes your world view and well, my parents aren’t exactly people who would be concerned when they are upset with you. Really my mother can be rather petty, she once left me to figure my own transportation back because she was upset and didn’t care that I had no dinner etc. My dad too withheld my allowance for 2 weeks because he was pissed and was giving me the cold shoulder. I have petty parents I know, so it surprised me that he could still be caring and attentive even when he was upset with me and withholding his anger (he wanted to call me and demand to know what my problem was haha).]
He was only going to bring it up that evening because again, he was concerned about my health and wasn’t sure if I could talk with him without us fighting. Which to this date we’ve not actually fought? I’m not sure what really classifies as fighting but we’ve definitely had our misunderstandings but usually we just talk it out and explain over text/Skype and it usually gets resolved immediately.
I wrote this on the 21st of July up until the cut but it was already 12am and I was exhausted and went to bed and it’s been 9 days since and I have forgotten most of why I chose to write. So I’m just going to improvise.
But I believe, like all things I choose to document, this would serve as a reminder to me.
I’ve always known that actions have consequences. Especially our own. What we say and do can and will affect others. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
Being in a relationship, has taught me so much about myself, taught me so much about trust and respect and control.
My boyfriend is this amazing person who respects my person, dotes on me, and is often worried about my wellbeing.
I sometimes truly feel like I do not deserve him. Someone so kind and has such heart. I can honestly wax poetic about his person. I’m not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I have my moods when I am completely lost and I will push people away. I will argue, will debate, will nitpick over the words and what was an easygoing banter can turn sour fast.
I have never imagined that I would be so lucky, so blessed by God, to get to be with someone like him.
There were many times in the beginning when I wanted to chicken out and drop everything because it was easier to be alone than to open up and be honest about how he made me feel. But I decided to stick it through (or my friends and sister made me not decide rashly) and I am thankful I did not run.
I want to better myself for him really. There are still callous things that I say, things I say without really giving much thought to but ones that hurt him. Being with him, it teaches me how to fit in my skin more comfortably, how to express myself better, that it’s all right to need a person some times.
My mum always hurts me and in turn I feel so miserable that I don’t pay attention to when I am too brusque with another, especially someone I love so dearly.
Actions have consequences, and I need to keep a tight grip on that.
I still feel the guilt from treating him that way and so I shall remember this, I shall remember how I felt, hearing him gently tell me how despondent he was. I shall remember that even while it was his hurt he was talking about, he was the one comforting me, holding my hand as he spoke and I averted my eyes from his gaze.
It made me rethink so much about myself, this experience. Even now, typing about it 9 days later, my eyes are welling up with tears from the guilt and the shame.
And so I will remember.
I will say this though, I am really happy that we are in it together, learning step by step how to love and how to understand each other. I am extremely happy that we solve our problems rationally, talk it out, no matter how difficult it gets.
I am so grateful that I have him in my life, someone who encourages me so, supports me, who tries so hard to understand me and make me happy. I am so ridiculously in love haha.